Toward Each Other

John Gottman teaches one of his seven principles as “Turning Toward Each Other Instead of Away.” He says, “ In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids”  for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. ... The partner response to each bid either by turning towards the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn towards your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and satisfying sex life.” [A]

What about those people that have a hard time turning towards others. I have friends who suffer from depression and a lack of trust in their husbands. Their addictions used throughout their marriage has caused them to not trust their husbands and has corroded other parts of their marriages. I have one friend who’s husband want to stay in the marriage so badly even though he is unfaithful to her multiple times. Their emotional connection for sure is not there.

There are many sisters in my ward who have talked to me about their husbands addiction to pornography. They are missing trust, emotional connection, passion, and satisfied sex life from both sides partners. How does Gottman help those marriages that have been hurt? I want to offer help to those who are suffering from a lack of trust because of spouses choices however, advising them to just go on a date seems kind of silly to me. Even advising them to try to turn towards their spouse even though in their eyes they feel second best in their his eyes seems to me a little like minimizing of the pain.

I know Gottmen has other books out there. I would love to read one that deals with addressing infidelity and betrayal. Here in Mexico people are very open with the problems they are facing. If their marriage is bad they will just tell you. If they are making wrong choices they will just say well sister I drink that is why I can’t go to temple. Even, my husband is unfaithful. Often it catches me off guard. Since in our culture we are more discrete and don’t share our major struggles with just any sister that visits us.

Having the right resources to teach the sisters how to help themselves would be wonderful.  I look forward to reading more of Gottman‘s work and finding tools that can help the sisters deal with real life issues.  I am not saying only women have these issues husbands do as well. However, I don't work with men at the church so I don't know what is going on in their lives. I am not minimizing their experiences I just don't have information to share. That being said, I know that marriage is sacred and they need to have hope too.

[A] Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. London: Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd. (87-88)