Cohabitation and Divorce

I grew up in a pioneer established community. Over the years the majority of the town citizens have been members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We were a hardworking, family loving, God fearing, people. Therefore, as a child I was pretty sheltered from seeing the effects of divorce. I did have a two friends whose parents got divorced and I saw how they had to move and that was hard. Also now can look back and see how these two friends were less well off financially after their parents’ divorce. However, overall most of my friends grew up with both parents in their home. It was not until I moved to Mexico where I started to see the devastating effects of cohabitation and divorce. I can attest from my own experiences that what was addressed in The State of Our Union: Marriage in America 2012; cohabitation is so hard on children as well as adults. Many people I work with in the church come from cohabiting family structures and the stories are devastating to listen to. Poverty like I have never seen, abandonment, physical, verbal and sexual abuse are widespread in parent cohabit families. As well as incest and adultery are prevalent. Cohabitation is very common here and the devastation is extensive. It is hard to often teach against it cohabitation. Many people will agree that it is wrong. Most will acknowledge it themselves on moral ground. A few reasons why it happens even with this perspective in place is this. One or both of their own parents cohabitated and the “traditions of their fathers,” (1) or in other words the continuation from parent to child or learned behavior; is a vicious cycle some get stuck in. A second reason predominantly among the lower class is they want to do the traditional big weddings but cannot afford to do so therefore they decide to move in together and save money the, “We will get married later.” Although I am sure of their honesty with this justification. However, as time passes and life happens, problems arise the ideas and plans to get married slowly get pushed father back or could even fade away. (2)

In the work of Amato once again the cohabitation jumped off the page. Where he states that less than one half of a 1% of children when they reach the ages of 16 to 18 years of age are living with their biological cohabiting parents, is scary and heartbreaking.  As I was reading this the only thing I could think of is I have to get this information out there for the youth in my community so they know the negative effects of cohabiting. Like Amato's work stated not only do adults have things worse off but children struggle more. They need to break the chain of bad choices and marry instead.  They need to choose wisely and then focus all their energy on their marriage. Like a muscle that need constant work to maintain optimal health. (3)

Ways to preserve my family in the midst of gathering evil would be to read scriptures and pray as a family. This has helped me in the past. When my husband and I were first married we did not establish this habit in our home without missing. We tried here and there but would miss. We at one point contemplated divorce and my husband suggested reading and praying for three months without missing and after the three months if I wanted a divorce he would give me one. Well it took us longer than three months because if we missed we had to start over.  However after the three consecutive months passed of family constant scripture study; the desire for divorce was gone and we were more in love than ever before. I am now a strong believer that prayer and scripture study helps marriages. None of the problems we would fight about went away. We still had to work them out, but we had more patience for each other, we were more understanding and we had a greater desire to work through issues.  

Elder Oaks in his talk says that bishops do not advise the members of his ward to seek divorce. Not that it should never happen only it is a decision that should be made by the couple. They need to make the choice because they will be the ones dealing with the consequences whether they be good or bad. Divorce should be carefully decided with the effects on the children being a top priority. Elder Oaks also mentions in his talk, divorce can be avoided with repentance and forgiveness. He stresses the couple should do everything it takes to ratify the marriage and plead to the Lord for His help. (4) For firsthand experience I know that marriage can be hard, but if you are committed to the Lord, He can help your marriage be what it could be.

1. The Book of Mormon. Trans. Joseph Smith, Jr. Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1981, 2nd Nephi 32.3.

2. State of Our Unions 2012; The National Marriage Project.

3. Amato, P. (Fall, 2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional well-being of the next generation.Preview the document The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96

4. Oaks, Dallin H. (May 2007). Divorce. Ensign.